Elevated Utilitarianism

Thinking that the DADT repeal was going to happen soon,  I was shopping at an army surplus store as I tend to, looking at combat pants in XXL and XXXL and I just kept thinking that those pants would be so great if they were completely covered in sequins.  Sparkly, combat pants in a hunting camo of orange red and yellow.

Something about the idea felt so right.  This kind of an elevated utilitarianism.

Designers have been talking about a kind of stealth luxury for a long time, like cashmere thermal underwear (Marc Jacobs for Perry Ellis) or linings made of gorgeous silk charmeuse (Proenza Schouler).  This is not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about taking utilitarian ideas and then embellishing them the fuck out, or otherwise making them visibly or otherwise noticeably luxurious or non-utilitarian – what’s more luxurious than something that isn’t useful?

In the (embroidered) inbox of my mind, the following have arrived.

By far my favorite item was the high-heeled Teva.  All kinds of wrong becoming all kinds of amaaaaazing!

High Heeled Tevas with socks!

Speaking of classed up lesbian footwear, Oprah Winfrey, our favorite not a lesbian talk show hostess did two “Favorite Things” giveaway shows.  At one of them, she gave away sequined Uggs.  Because it’s great to look like your foot is wrapped in craft paper like a vase shipped home from China and it’s greater still if it is SPARKLY!

Uggs with SEQUINS!


I don’t frequently wish I was thin.  If I ever feel that way, it’s almost always because I see something that is super cute and would require a totally bumpless body to look cute.  Such as these incredible, available in Europe only Valentino X The GAP ruffled cargo pants.

All through fall, I feel like I’ve been seeing references to these thigh high, high heeled LL Bean look alike duck boots by Tommy Hilgfiger.  They’re cute I suppose.  But somehow they make me think of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.  Who is not cute.

Duck Boots with heels by Tommy Hilfiger

One of my favorite labels is the slightly cerebral Slow and Steady Wins The Race, designed by Mary Ping.  Some time ago, she designed and sold a leather bodega bag.  It feels like something a very rich and very artsy woman who is grey and wears glasses with heavy black frames would carry.  Basically, what I want to grow up to become.

Leather bodega bag

John Galliano showed another fantastical show for Spring Summer 2011, this time based around some con artist woman who got artists in Paris to paint her portrait.  He showed this look with a very un-useful, but gorgeous chiffon trench coat.

Galliano SS11 chiffon trench

photo: vogue.com

I leave you with this nugget of history.  Check out the Manolo Timberlands that Jenny rocks.  American Idol is so going to suck balls.



2 Responses to “Elevated Utilitarianism”
  1. sagemag says:

    Seriously, you like the high-heeled Tevas? I hope they don’t catch on! The high-heeled duck boots, on the other hand, I’m totally wanting.

    • High heeled Tevas? YES!
      The heeled duck boots, not so much, though I can see how they could work.
      I guess you and I are diametrically opposite on this one.

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